By Karuna Vellino
5 Signs You are Going to Get Your Heart Broken
There is something about breakups, something makes them inevitable, and somehow inevitably you will always know when they are going to happen. It is like there is an alarm clock in you set for the time that you are going to get your heart broken. You know it is going to happen despite what you tell yourself.
2 weeks before you break my heart:
You go on a spontaneous vacation with your family to Tremblant. You do not talk to me for a few days. I miss you. But I never consider this could be the beginning of our break up. I think you are on vacation. I think that you do not have time to talk to me. I think nothing of your silence. But I start to feel it. Those four days of radio silence plant a seed of doubt in the pit of my stomach. A seed that roots itself in me immediately, happily feeding off of every little worry, every late text, every time that you cancel plans or don’t have time to see me. Slowly over time that seed starts to blossom and an ugly flower of fear erects itself where the seed rooted itself just days before.*(This is break up sign number 1, when you start to undoubtedly doubt whether or not your partner wants to be with you, you are probably going to have to deal with heartbreak very soon).
10 days before you break my heart:
I am on the beach at sunset with my best friend. We are drinking from a bottle of cherry red wine and sitting around the grungy remains of last night’s beach campfire. The sand around us is full of soot and crumpled beer cans, there is a torn up sleeping bag to my right. I sit amongst the dust and dirt in the golden afternoon glow of the slowly setting sun and I am a little tipsy but I am also sad. On the surface I don’t really know why, but this sinking feeling in my stomach is becoming far too familiar and I know deep down I can think of a few reasons for feeling so unhappy. Maybe it’s because you haven’t had much time for me lately, or maybe it’s because you haven’t been texting me or trying to face time me that often, or maybe its because in the past few weeks I have been putting all the effort into our relationship and getting nothing in return. What ever it is I try my best to ignore it. I do not realize how wrong it is that that someone I love is making me feel so much distress. I am too infatuated with you to care about how you are treating me, I make up excuse after excuse, I forgive you for everything, I do not wish to think a single bad thought about you, this love is not healthy but it is how I love you.
1 week before you break my heart:
I decide to try to talk to you about how I am feeling. There is a full moon out and I am sitting on my bed under the soft blue and white sheets that we bought together. This bed holds so many memories that I am not yet willing to let go of. I dial your number from memory but I am too scared and confused to find the words that will convince you to talk to me honestly. And so you continue to lie and hide from me. I pretended that everything is fine and proceed to let fear fester inside of me. (These feelings are break up sign number 2, when your gut tells you something is wrong in your relationship, something is wrong in your relationship!).
3 days before you break my heart:
I am sitting in my mom’s room, lying on the floor trying to explain to her what is wrong. The carpet underneath me is deep sea blue, similar to the sea I will be staring into a week later, trying to comprehend the firm grip of heartbreak as it clasps my shoulders, walking alongside me even when I am 5,607 kilometres away from you. I run my fingers through the carpets’ soft fringe and try to understand what I am feeling. At that moment I do not know myself. I tell my mom that I am worried that something is wrong. I tell her about how you have stopped using smiley face emojis in our texts and how I know that’s really a stupid thing to worry about but how it scares me anyway. It scares me because our texts have turned stone cold and I cannot feel your warmth from across the city anymore. (That is break up sign number 3, when someone stops using emojis altogether, you’ve got a break up on your hands).
The day you break my heart:
It is sweltering hot. It is one of those humid days that keeps you inside, hidden from the world and all its heaviness. It is one of those days that makes you wonder why you wish for summer in the middle of January surrounded by beautiful cool white winter. I haven’t seen you in two weeks and I miss you more than anything. We have planned a short date for that evening, a 30 minute coffee date at Starbucks. It is the last time I will see you before I go away to France for two weeks. The date is only 30 minutes but I believe that as long as I get to see you at all I will be happy. (This is break up sign number 4, when someone plans a 30 minute date at Starbucks they are bound to break up with you). It seems obvious now, but once again I dismiss the gnawing feeling growing in the pit of my stomach, and get ready to go out.
2 hours before you break my heart:
I sit in front of my mirror and put on my make up. I try to apply mascara but my hands are shaking. I do not know why. I know I should not be as nervous as I am for this date. After all I think, “it is just a date”. Deep down I know it is not “just a date.” Something inside me is telling me it’s not “just a date” – it’s the date where you are going to break up with me. But despite how I know this, despite how this truth is screaming me in the face, I hopelessly hope that everything is going to be fine. Just like I have been hopelessly hoping for the past two weeks.
45 minutes before you break my heart:
My knees are week and wobbly as I walk downstairs. I slowly slip on my sandals, grab my purse and head out the door. I put in my headphones and a song by Karen O starts to play.
“Off went the switch
Love is soft
Love’s a fucking bitch
Do I really need
Another habit like you
I really need
Do you need me too
I believe it’s gonna leave me blue”
I notice the songs I have been listening to lately do not give me the same warm fuzzy feelings about you as they did when we first started dating. Now all I can hear are lyrics about heartbreak and giving love but not being loved in return. (This is break up sign number 5, when song lyrics loose their lovely warm feeling and begin to remind you of heartache and hurt. You are about have your heart broken.).
30 minutes before you break my heart:
I am walking down my quiet street, the evening air is cooler than the day but the humidity still causes sweat to trickle down my spine. I wait at the number 5 bus stop where I have kissed you goodbye so many time before. The bus as usual is late, and I wait for 9 minutes with nothing but my frightened thoughts and Karen O to comfort me. The 5 comes after what feels like forever. I sit in solitude in the back of the bus and look out its grungy windows. I stare out at the scattered streetlights and dimly lit coffee shops of Elgin Street thinking, “she is going to break up with you, she is going to break up with you, she is going to break up with you”. This is the phrase that runs through my mind over and over. I keep trying to counteract it, telling myself it is not true, telling myself I am worrying for no reason. I know that all of this is a lie but I need to tell myself something that will keep me breathing.
10 minutes before you break my heart:
I walk into the Starbucks where you are meeting me. I am so terrified I can barely bring myself to open the door, but somehow I manage to persuade my arms to push the glass in front of me and suddenly I am inside. A tiny bell dings as I enter. The Starbucks is dirty and small, situated on a sketchy corner of Rideau Street. I stand in line and think about what I am going to order. I am already shaking so coffee seems out of the question, my stomach is already in knots so I can’t get anything with sweetener. I settle on getting a plain green tea. Before I order my drink I consider telling the barista I am about to get broken up with and asking for my tea to be free. I think better of it but by this point I am almost 100% sure that this is the end. There is still this part of me though, this tiny part of me that still feels hope. It is the same feeling that you get when you are reading a book, and you have already read it before so you know your favourite character is going to die, but there is still a part of you that thinks that maybe this time through they won’t. You know that this is the end, you know that there is no way that things could possibly change, but somehow some little part of you keeps hoping. Maybe it exists so that we will keep reading, or so that we will keep walking, or breathing, or drinking tea. Or maybe It exists so that we keep going. And keep going I do.
5 minutes before you break my heart:
I get my tea and sit down at a barstool looking out onto the dimly lit sidewalk. As pedestrians pass by outside the window I wonder how many people have been dumped in Starbucks. I come to the conclusion that at least 50 people every year will get dumped in this Starbucks alone. As soon as I finish this thought I see you walk through the door. Your hair is in a messy pony-tail, you are wearing an old sweatshirt and no makeup. You rush through the door looking completely dishevelled but still I can’t help thinking “holy shit she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen”. You come over to where I am sitting and give me a hug. You do not order a drink. You simply sit on the barstool beside me, looking at me with those piercing blue eyes I have fallen so deeply into and begin to speak the words that neither of us want to hear.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015, 8:37 PM:
You break my heart.
* this line was inspired by a paragraph from Joseph Boyden’s Three Day Road